Lesson 9- I-Messages

Welcome back to another Coping Power Classroom Power Up Video. We’re glad you’re back.

This week, your students are learning about self-advocacy and communicating how a situation made them feel without blaming or shaming another person. This strategy for effective communication is called an I-Message. Statements that start with “you” communicate blame and shame to another person and can even lead to further arguments. Alternatively, I-Messages communicate how someone is feeling without potentially causing the listener to feel defensive and shut down. I-Messages allow your students to state how they felt when an upsetting event occurred. For example: “I felt upset and rejected when we were waiting for the bus and didn’t speak to one another.” This statement communicates the feelings this child experienced, instead of placing blame on their friend and potentially pushing them farther away or causing a fight.

Assertive communication, including I-Messages, can be used as a problem solving strategy. These statements allow both people in a disagreement to share their perspective and better identify the problem. This will then give them an opportunity to potentially work together to find a choice that will lead to the most positive outcome. With practice, your students can become more prepared to take care of themselves and face challenges that arise within the classroom and beyond.

It’s important to note that the goal of I-Messages is not to resist or deny strong emotions or avoid a conflict altogether. Rather, I-Messages are intended to communicate potentially strong feelings in a healthy way. It’s always a good idea for students to use other coping strategies to calm down first before engaging in these tough conversations, since it can be much more challenging to appropriately use I-Messages when they are high on the emotion thermometer and feeling very intense emotions.

Students are learning that the words we say have a huge impact on the overall emotional intensity of an interaction. I-Messages work by changing the focus of problem solving from blame to stating the facts of an emotional response someone experienced, thereby sharing their thoughts and feelings without yelling, lecturing, or otherwise emotionally harming the other person. This allows a conversation to remain productive and low in emotional intensity.

Again, students are referencing the emotion thermometer graphic here to help conceptualize and explain how they are feeling at a given time, and before and after engaging in problem solving.

This week’s challenge task asks you to encourage your students to use I-Messages to express their feelings and model this behavior by communicating using I-Messages yourself. For example, “I feel frustrated when the classroom is loud after recess. It is difficult to get class started.” You could also implement this right after a difficult transition within the classroom. It is always important to ensure students understand the positive behavior you would like to see from them instead.

You can remind your students that they can practice using I-Messages when in a conflict with others. Periodically check in with students about their own experiences using assertive communication strategies throughout the week, both at school and at home.

Good luck, and we’ll see you next week!